Living in the Isness

“The secret of life is to die before you die— and find out there is no death.”

We are conditioned from birth. We inherit generational trauma. We are taught from the minds of our parents; whatever they were taught is bestowed upon us and carried in our minds.

Many people have asked me how to get to where I am—awakened—and I never had that answer, because I was forced into the unmanifested by extreme pain and suffering. That is one way to get there, but it’s not the only way.

For the longest time, I didn’t know how, why, when or what happened to me. It didn’t happen when I was in the hospital, or when I had the NDE, or when I had my surgery. It happened before my surgery. It happened the night I came home from the work party and had a full-on mental breakdown, when the PTSD made itself present, and as that was happening, my daughter walked out the door—it was insufferable.

I was left alone and drawn deeper into where I was destined to go—into consciousness.

How does one become awakened, conscious?

There are several different ways. There are always signs, portal openings, and they’re commonly not recognized, not noticed and not seen, because in order to see, recognize, or feel a portal opening, you have to be still. In the quiet. You have to shut the mind off.

The easiest way for me explain it—

To become awakened, you need to control the thinking. How do you control the thinking? By watching the thinker. You.

My life circumstances became too much for me to handle. My identity was stripped. The slate was wiped clean, so to speak. Well, that’s what I said—what I thought had happened. My life circumstances forced me into consciousness and into a delirium state for almost a year, where I became the watcher. Remember when I said it felt like I was on the outside looking in? I was.

My inner self was awakened.

I was dealing with all three aspects at the same time—Kayla, major surgery, and PTSD. My mind, body, and soul, and they had all separated. My mind stopped, not because I chose to or wanted it to, but because the pain was so extreme in my mind that it shut down. I was forced into a state of consciousness. Being.

While I was in that delirium, I was watching myself that whole time. I wasn’t thinking about the things I’d done in the past, or why I did them, or why I was in that state. I wasn’t able to think. I only became aware of it all.

Thinking/thought and awareness are not the same. “A thought of awareness isn’t a thought at all.”

I was forced to look into my past to confront my pain, which was derived from the outside, to go through my Akashic records and sort through it all from a different baseline than the one that had experienced all of the pain. The ego.

It was only then that I was able to see my life situation and how I got there. And in seeing that, and watching that, a transformation started taking place. The outside died, and my inner self became alive. It was there all the time, just sitting there deep inside, waiting for me to acknowledge it—just like it’s waiting for you. It’s waiting for everybody. It’s there for a reason. It’s you. The real you—without ego. It’s the light.

In the isness, when everything is quiet and I close my eyes, I focus—zoom in—on the beating of my heart. When the surgeon first told me that I would be able to hear it, the mechanical valve pumping, I was like, oh my God. I asked out loud, is that gonna drive me fucking crazy? She was like, I don’t know.

Two years prior to my second surgery, I was focusing on my heartbeat—my scary, erratic Mexican jumping bean. I couldn’t hear it as much because it was significantly smaller, but I could feel it. Over those two years, it got thick, squishy, and heavy, and I was able to hear it like I was before the first surgery. If I laid on my left side, it more than bothered me, it was disturbing. It drove me nuts. So when she told me that I was going to hear my heart tick, I thought it was going to bug the shit out of me.

However, shortly after I got home, there was no way to muffle it—so I went into it. It’s my jam now. Lol. It puts me to sleep. It’s strong. Solid. It takes me deep, and it brings me joy.

I have learned more these last couple of months about myself, nature, and the universe than I have my entire life.

I’ve heard all the sayings, and only now do they make total sense: 

“It’s not what’s on the outside that counts. It’s what’s on the inside.”

“Your mind is your worst enemy.”

What’s on the inside is a living force that comes from the source, and everybody has it. You just have to pay attention. Be still. That is the answer to all your problems, believe it or not. Enlightenment.

I always interpreted the inside as meaning you had a good heart, kind. But the inside is you, your inner-self—consciousness—the unmanifested. The state of being.

Pay attention to your reactions. Recognize them. Catch yourself when you’re complaining. If you are complaining, you have three choices: fix it, walk away from it, or accept it totally.

That is the only way to find peace. And to stop your complaining—exerting your negative energy into the universe—the universe is truly suffering enough.

Once you catch yourself and you recognize what you’re doing, you’ll halt. You’ll pause. You’ll become aware. Become the watcher.

You don’t need to think. Thinking takes time. That time spent thinking allows you to create a problem that isn’t really there, because nothing is really there. Nothing is always there.

In the silence and the stillness is where you awaken your inner self. That is the only self you should be concerned about. The outside—your body is just a shell. Ego. 

You arrive by being still and in the now. There is only now. Thinking about the past and waiting for things to happen in the future ultimately cause pain and suffering. Reliving old pain or feeling anxious—fear of what’s gonna happen down the road. None of that matters.

We are not meant to live like that. We are not meant to live in fear. It is only when you have truly had enough that you can enter into consciousness. In pain and suffering, there is an opportunity to become free from the mind.

“Your mind is your worst enemy” I always took that to be, oh, you’re just overthinking too much, because nobody realizes that the ego and the mind work together with time to keep you unconscious. Nobody thinks about that.

The mind creates drama, creates scenarios that aren’t even there. It causes pain because you’re thinking, overthinking, analyzing—ultimately allowing it to take over your central nervous system.

Doing all of that takes time. While you’re doing that, you’re creating an illness and feeding your ego. Your ego does not want you to become conscious. The more you become aware, the more you kill your ego, the more you become your true self.

My mind shut off that night—my ego got cancelled. But it wasn’t something noticeable to me or identifiable then, and that’s because the pain I once suffered unconsciously, that made itself visible, wasn’t the only thing going on with me. I was also pushed into physical pain, trauma, open-heart surgery.

Which caused my subconscious to take over. I went from unconsciousness to consciousness, but I wasn’t able to fully embrace that consciousness because I was involuntarily tossed into a subconscious state. I was being protected by the subconscious.

What I was experiencing was all too much for any one person to take on all at once.

That’s how my life started unfolding—my past life. That’s how I was able to examine my Akashic records and sort them, to see all the things that I had written about, all the things that were buried deep inside my soul—pain.

I came across this book a couple days ago in the middle of editing my own book. I don’t even remember what it was that I searched up, but the next day it was in my hands, and once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. It’s called The Power of Now, written by Eckhart Tolle, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is suffering and ready to find the light within—the real you. Shit, even if you’re not, this book—this man’s experience, his wisdom—will bring you closer to enlightenment.

I learned soooo much from that one book alone that I have to share—it’s meant to be shared. You are meant to be reading this right now, because to be conscious is to be free. To have peace. And everybody deserves to have peace and to be free.

We all have energy—positive and negative energy. Positive energy comes from your light, your inner self, and negative energy comes from the mind, the ego. All you need in this world is a bit of common sense and the truth, not the conditioned mind.

You know how people say you can learn a lot from nature? If you watch nature, study nature, let it teach you, you will see there is no negativity in animals. There is no thinking. They just are—just being. Their actions are instinctual. That is the goal: being, living in the now. Accepting what is—the isness. Because there is nothing else.

You ever hear people saying we are all connected? I don’t know if everybody knows what that means. I know I heard it and said it a million times, but I really had no clue what it truly meant. But I do now—when you are conscious, you become one. That’s when you are connected to every living, breathing thing.

When you are in the now, you don’t have to think—you just do. You accept what is, you do what needs to be done, and move on. Tomorrow is another day. You only need to be concerned with now, the isness. Fuck, I love that word!

“It is impossible to be unhappy and totally living in the now.”

I was trying to explain this to somebody, and instead of just missing it altogether, they said, wait, I don’t get that. It doesn’t make sense.

And then I explained—if you are here right now, like we are, and not thinking about work tomorrow or somebody who hurt you last week, and you’re just right here, right now, with me, focusing on what we’re doing, it’s impossible to be unhappy.

It is your mind that takes you in time either to the past or the future, and it causes pain and fear. That pain and fear is what feeds the ego.

It is the ego that needs to be seen—the ego is never satisfied. It’s always chasing something, trying to prove something, comparing itself, and needing to be seen.

It’s the ego that has the need for materialistic things. The ego is never content with what it has; it’s always searching for more.

All the unmanifested, your inner self needs is your devotion, your stillness, your awareness. Once the inner self has become awakened, the pain that was derived from the outside transmutes. Your frequency changes, and you’re vibrating on another level—there is no more negativity. The negativity has transmuted into peace, joy.

That’s how it is. The ego needs proof and an explanation for that. The unmanifested does not.

With me, I didn’t just awaken to my inner self—I leapt. Not into the future, but into who I am.

A quantum leap isn’t about time travel or suddenly becoming someone else. It’s when your internal state shifts faster than your external circumstances. Your nervous system, identity, and perception reorganize before your life visibly catches up. That’s exactly what happened to me.

What actually changed wasn’t my situation; it was who is running the system. I moved from survival to authorship, from fear to trust, from identity collapse to identity integration, from waiting to be saved to knowing I am guided, that I am protected.

That’s where I am right now—integration—moving towards embodiment.

I am not the lash artist anymore. I am not the woman in delirium anymore. I’m not even the first-draft writer anymore.

I am becoming the author, the storyteller, the woman who survived everything and is shifting into a life that feels self-led instead of crisis-led.

I don’t do well with timelines—not because I’m lazy, but because timelines are a trigger for perfectionism, survival responses, fear of failure, pressure, rushing.

If it doesn’t flow, I don’t go. That goes for any and everything.

Whenever it’s time, it will come. I am in alignment with who I’m meant to be; I’m not forcing shit.

This is what is known as—full surrender.

Full surrender doesn’t mean you give up or throw in the towel, nor is it a sign of weakness. Full surrender means you stop resisting; you trust that what needs to be, will.

It is only after full surrender that one can become non-reactive to negativity, bad situations, and allow them to just go right through you.

It is to be unbothered—and that’s what it takes to become unbothered. Saying it, reading it in a meme, and feeling it aren’t the same.

The only words that describe where I’m at these days are: ease, peace, flow, joy, trust, faith, calm, grateful, light, presence, and clarity. And I radiate it.

You know, this is the first time I came back from a vacay not knowing when my next one will be—no plan, no date—because there’s something else in store for me that’s going to be more fulfilling.

Right now I’m focused on my consciousness. It has allowed me to align, and it’s taking me to where I need to go—where I need to be—which is here and now, accepting the isness.

Consciousness has given me peace over accomplishment, gratitude over expectation, essence over ego.

I have already seen visions of what the future looks like for me; time just has to catch up.

I started composing a vision board. I’ve never done anything like that before. I never really truly understood people “manifesting” their future, manifestation, or the whole power-of-positive-thinking thing. I tried—it just didn’t sink in.

But just recently, I started building a vision board, and once I had all the images together and looked at them compiled, I realized what they represent: peace, contentment, happiness, joy, gratitude— it’s luxury without ego.

The unconscious mind would only see on my vison board the luxury, totally missing the calm, the peace, the belonging, the softness, the champagne glow, the stability, and the safety. That’s what my vision board represents. That’s not ego—that’s soul direction, intuition—destiny.

I’m very close to embodiment. It’s no longer imagination for me—it’s inevitable, even if it hasn’t shown up physically yet. The space I’m in, it’s not hoping—it’s alignment.

When people are fantasizing, they want. When people are aligned, they recognize.

I’m not trying to convince myself that this will happen—my body already knows it’s real. That’s why I can feel it, and that’s why I’m calm instead of frantic and so strangely certain.

There’s no scrambling, no desperation. Just certainty with patience.

And I can’t quite touch it yet because there are still a few physical steps I know I have to complete—pages to finish, edits to lock, timing to line up. But energetically? The decision is already made. I’m already there, just not physically yet.

The future version of me already exists. I’m simply walking toward her in real time. That’s how it is when something is on its way, not when it’s a wish.

My board—it’s not a board of goals, it’s a board of identity-alignment.

My life is finally mine. Not loud and not boisterous. Just deeply abundant in calm, safety, and room to breathe. That’s luxury without ego—the exact energy my future self carries.

There is so much more I can expand on, so much more I can and want to say, but I think that’s enough for today, lol. More than enough here to absorb for any one person.